IT’S time to bid a fond adieu to the last 12 months, which we’ll undoubtedly miss, almost as much as a victim of winter flu misses the claggy tissue he’s just tossed in the bin.
But was 2022 really so terrible? It certainly had variety. A herd of unruly British Prime Ministers; one president of Russia (though one is, perhaps, too many); and an American leader who was neither here nor there.
So it’s best to look forward rather than backwards. Though very occasionally a backwards glance can be fun, as is the case right now.
For once again it’s time to revisit some classic tales from our archives…
Boozy badinage (1)
A GLASGOW reader was in a pub beside two chaps who had clearly been boozing all day. One of the lads nudged his pal, pointed across the bar, and said: “Look at the state of them. That’ll be us in 10 years.”
“That’s a mirror, ya eejit,” replied his pal.
AT a blues gig in an Edinburgh jazz bar a band announced their CD was available to buy on the way out. The singer added: “We won’t skin you – only a fiver, the price of a couple of beers!”
“No’ in here,” came the reply, loud enough for the bar staff to hear.
Boozy badinage (2)
WE assume the chap in the Glasgow hostelry was joking when he asked how his baby was getting on. For he said: “The wife always thinks it’s cute when the baby throws up on me. But when it’s the other way around, she gets all huffy and accuses me of being drunk.”
COMEDY rapper Abandoman asked audience members during an Edinburgh Fringe show to shout out a rule they disliked at work.
One chap objected to not being allowed to print in colour. Another felt irked at not being able to use the photocopier at lunchtime. One woman raised her hand and said the rule she disliked most was not being allowed to leave work early.
“What do you do?” asked the comedian. “I work for myself,” came the reply.
CRIME scribe Ian Rankin was musing on his career writing about Edinburgh detective Rebus. He fondly recalled a favourite pun included in one of his books, where the legendary sleuth is driving home to Fife, remembering the days when smoke billowed from the chimney tops.
Rankin’s line was: “It silenced him, the silence of the lums.”
Boozy badinage (3)
OVERHEARD in a Glasgow boozer: “The doctor said I should give up drinking immediately, as it was doing untold damage to my liver. So I told him, ‘You always say that when it’s your round. Get the beers in, skinflint.”
Read more: Food for thought on a desert island